I was asked by my mentors to write about betrayal. More specifically, how I have felt betrayed by others. I was also encouraged to write in a way that I would avoid planting or stepping on land mines, respecting the others, and in a way that allowed me to be heard.

I did what I usually do. I went to the definition of betrayal. Betrayal is defined as the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship, amongst individuals or between individuals. I sat with this for about two months.

Before I even started writing, I had already gone to the opposite end and focused on ways I have betrayed others and bypassed the assignment of how I felt betrayed by others. I don’t like confronting anyone about how I feel about what they have done. I always assume that if they do things that I feel hurt over, they themselves must be hurting. And, this is true. Only hurt people can hurt people. So I have always willingly taken on the judgment, denial, anger, hurt and pretty much any emotion or energies that others have that they don’t want, because I learned at a very young age that if I took it on, others felt better. Since I feel what others feel, if they felt better then I felt better.

What about me?

I have spent a lot of time and energy learning how to hold space for people. I intuitively know how people feel. And although I have felt I have had little to no help or guidance from family and friends, I am learning that I have never been doing it alone. I am learning how connected I am to a source that is love, abundance and truth. This is God to me, but not the God you find in church, but the God I find inside myself. The God that is me.

Having the knowledge that others hurt only because they are hurt and the “me” is ok since it is directly connected to All…

How do “I” feel about being betrayed by others? Why did I address others and me first before addressing the assignment of how I feel? Because I don’t like how I feel about it.

I feel angry! And for a very long time I have hated that I feel anger (all emotions) so strongly. I feel my own, I feel it from those I live with and I feel it from people I walk by in the grocery store. I figured out how to basically completely withdraw and therefore avoid picking up these feelings, but in turn I withdrew from myself as well. So I learned about feelings of others and I got in touch with my spirituality (the “me”), but I still have trouble with how I feel about it because I am angry with myself. I feel betrayed by myself. I am harder on myself than with anyone around me. I will hold space for others and give them time and patience to work through their stuff. I forgive them easily for the things they do and I condemn myself over and over again for not getting it right the first time, not knowing what I think I should have known. I replay scenarios again and again and dig and look for what I could have done better and never allow myself forgiveness, nor do I let go and move on.

So how do I forgive myself?

In order to forgive myself, I have to understand what I think I did wrong and what needs forgiving. So back to the definition of betrayal. The key word in the definition is presumptive, presumed in the absence of further information. I feel that I am mad at myself for not knowing better. For not knowing what I think I should have known. That by not knowing (absence of further information), I made “bad” decisions. I have to forgive myself for what I did not know (isn’t there a verse somewhere about that;-). I made the best decisions I could make with the information that I had. And I have forgiven myself. And I find that I am often given reminders to forgive myself a little more, again and again.

If I remember to forgive instead of getting angry at myself, I feel so much better. And remember how I said that since I feel what others feel and if they felt better, I felt better? Well… when I feel better, I feel wonderful.

Photo: “Forgive Yourself” by Paul Sableman is licensed under CC BY 2.0