The quantity and severity of violent attacks on this or that group by this or that group has been growing at an alarming rate. I think we have always had these types of conflicts and violence, but we haven’t had the instant access to it, or such easy access to the means by which to carry out these acts.

There is tremendous energy generated before, during and after these types of things and we are doing a piss poor job of transforming it. We jump into it and use it the same way the attackers are, but we pretend it is different. BS. We are using this energy the same way the attackers did, period. From a point of anger. Can we please try something different?

I believe that both individually and globally, we are stuck. Stuck in an incomplete cycle(s). The most recent century, decades and years have been that of rapid expansion and growth at a rate far faster than at any other time in human history. This could be considered good: We have ways in which to connect and share almost instantaneously. And this could be considered bad: We have ways in which to connect and share almost instantaneously. (Yes, I repeated the same explanation for both, on purpose.) But no matter what, it simply is. It isn’t good or bad, it just is.

I have been contemplating what so many throw out at these times. Seemingly “good” energy (love, solidarity, selflessness) and seemingly “bad” energy (anger, blame, division). The thing I noticed is that no matter which side you stand on, you are using the same energy. The energy is neither good or bad, it just is. So you might be thinking, well just go with the good. Here’s the problem…

Since we never complete an emotional cycle, like grief, we begin using the energy at the wrong time, from the wrong point…anger. Grief has 5 basic stages: Shock/Denial, Anger, Depression/Detachment, Dialogue/Bargaining and Acceptance. The first stage starts a dive into the depths of grief, the third marks the bottom, and the 5th is when we are back on a different, but solid ground. Exploring new options and a putting a new plan in place are reserved for the 5th stage, AFTER completing the cycle. This is where we should be using that energy, because at this point we are cleansed and renewed.

The thing is, we dip our toes in, or maybe go in further, but we rarely ever dive down. We panic. We run back to shore, but we don’t go back to where we started, we jump over to the 5th stage. We start exploring new options and new plans, but we are operating from anger (stage 2). WTF? We are so scared to dive in that we just keep running around on the miserable hot sand. The ritual of diving in allows us to release that which has died into the next world, so that we can live fully in this one. Why are we ignoring, or, more precisely, avoiding, this wonderful process?

This goes way beyond the death of loved ones. It involves the death of health, well being, loss of cherished goals or possessions, or even a stunning betrayal of trust. Things have changed so rapidly in our society, in our family life and in our personal lives that we barely start into the grief cycle before we have to make new plans. We end up running around in circles while believing we are moving forward.

STOP! This is the message grief is saying: Mourn what isn’t any more. Feel it. Then release it completely. Our world has changed, period. It’s ok to mourn the past, to feel it, to miss it even, but we need to release it. We are stuck trying to live in a new world and insisting on doing it with dead methods. The energy being offered to us at these times of tragedy can either be used from anger due to incomplete grieving or from passion that arises by going through and completing the grief cycle.

Think of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. At first he speaks of tradition as the way in which we keep our balance, but when it comes to accepting love (the new style), he remembers that the old ways were new once too. He has a complete dialogue (argumentative at times) with himself and in the end he blessed love. He went through the cycle and made a decision to change, adapt and grow from love. He didn’t make the plans and attempt to change from anger.

Mourn the old ways, feel them, miss them, honor them for what they did and then accept where we are now. Don’t forget (remember fondly) and don’t punish yourself for what used to be, but release it so that we all might live in the world of now. You can’t live in love from a point of anger. Not the victims, the witnesses or the attackers. Choose to go through and once you are out on the other side, help others come through to. Stop trying to help before you do your work, and if you are angry, sound angry, look angry, are thinking angry thoughts, or even thinking loving thoughts, but following them up with a “but”…STOP! Recognize where you are and move through the cycle. Then (and only then) change, adapt and grow.

The consequence for not doing this: more traumatizing events increasingly more traumatic each time.