Don’t get me wrong, I am all for marriage equality and I am very happy when people achieve a goal they believe in and accomplish — woohoo!! Oh, and this has nothing to do with sexual preferences (to me, the gay community has far more depth than sexuality), so check your judgments at the door before reading.

Selfishly, I wish they hadn’t wanted to be a part of a screwed up system, the system I live in. I have always been attracted to gay people and what I mean by gay is both the homosexual and the lighthearted and carefree. I have dated gay people (at least one man I know is a homosexual), been friends with gay people, hired gay people as my mentors and guides, worked with gay people, socialized with gay people, had gay classmates…. Like it or not, we are all attracted to gay people, because we either attract our opposite (so we can stay comfortable in our stories of conflict) or like attracts like (so we can be inspired and grow).

And my selfish reason is bigger than I said. I am attracted to gay people because they are lighthearted and carefree and I wish I felt or thought I could be more like that. Think about it, to be openly homosexual or openly lighthearted and carefree takes a hell of a lot of courage in our world today. We are supposed to be the same (conformity), stressed, tired, exhausted, fed up, miserable… It is what is expected of us. This sucks. To me, doing your own thing and being happy while doing it is a miracle.

I put gay people up on a pedestal and lived through them vicariously while I stayed stressed, tired, exhausted and fed up. I watched from the sidelines as they played in the world, danced in the streets, wore whatever clothes they wanted, hugged and kissed who they wanted, openly laughed and cried, and courageously fought through their fears to live in integrity. So now that they have sought and achieved something that every other “normal” or “straight” person has, an exterior stamp of approval, my excessive idolization has been brought down a few notches. Damn. They are human. They are vulnerable. We are all the same. We are all doing the best we can from where we are. Damn, damn, damn. Another excuse obliterated.

Whenever we seek to find something we want or need from something outside of ourselves, we will never find it. My apologies to the gay community and all the beautiful gay people out there for being selfish and expecting you to fulfill what only I can fulfill within myself. Thank you for continuing to be lighthearted and carefree, courageous and warm, and all the things I want to be. But especially for being human and vulnerable, and reminding me of all the things I need to be. I promise to look to be inspired by you and grow, and not jealous of you and stagnant.

So although I won’t idolize you anymore, I will always appreciate, respect, applaud, praise and admire all that you do to bring much needed change to this world, and I will love you for being you, human and vulnerable, because that is where truth and strength are found.

Photo: “Cumberland Falls” by James St. John is licensed under CC BY 2.0