I want to try something. I want to share something with you. My hypothesis is that by doing so, I will become exactly what I fear you think I am… an apathetic, indifferent, unkind, manipulative, misleading, emotionless, cowardice shell of a person, therefore limiting myself.

In order to share this information, I need to let you in on a secret about me. I have worked very hard, for what I believe to be many lifetimes, to protect this secret. This secret was created to protect myself from being judged for who I am and it provided a wall for me to hide behind. Behind this wall, I am safe. The fear that created this secret is that I was judged (and shamed) for the uncomfortable way in which people feel around me as I result of what I do instead of accepted for who I am. It is the reason I despise labels, titles, identification with this or that, classification and pigeonholing to name a few. Oh she’s a “insert any label here,” so that means this. No query into who I am, just judgment about the label assigned to what I do.

I am a person that has learned to use the skills of intuition, empathy, listening, leadership and sensitivity. Through these skills I can provide clarity, understanding, compassion, influence, guidance and even healing. Just as an engineer uses his skills of math, science, mechanics and problem solving to plan, design and create physical devices. But what I do doesn’t involve the physical (what you can see and touch), what I do involves feelings, emotions and energies (what you can’t see or touch). When I work with my skills properly, I reflect back those things which you project on me so that you can experience them and grow from them. The thing is, people hate this. They hate it because feeling something is not easy work for us humans. Yet it is what we came to do, to experience the conceptual. To feel the love that we are.

This assignment given to me was to share how I take care of myself given I have these skills, and it was given to me over 4 months ago. I have thought about it and avoided it for that entire time all because I am terrified of how I will be judged by the titles typically assigned to what I do; of what you will think of me based on what you will feel when you are around me. My thought was that I could write from behind the wall — never attaching a title to what I do — and after you began to trust me, you would accept me for who I am instead of judging me for what I do. Yet how can I ask you to trust me when I don’t trust that I am safe when I come out from behind that wall?

I must become vulnerable. I must take the risk of attack and/or harm. Want to know the fascinating thing here? You cannot attack or harm me anymore than I have done to myself. By limiting myself to only those things I could do behind the so called safety of that wall, I have experienced way more harm than you could ever knowingly or unknowingly inflict on me. That wall is my ego (for lack of a better word) and although the ego is to be my servant, I gave my power over to it. I have let it run the show based on the fear of being judged. I don’t hate it. It only did what it was instructed to do.

So here is how I take care of myself.

My top 5:

1. Listen to what I feel.
2. Ask for what I need.
3. Don’t take things personally.
4. Give back or let go of what isn’t mine.
5. Rest.

What I am working on:

1. I am spirit having a human experience.
2. I need help.
3. My feelings get hurt.
4. I need support, love and compassion.
5. I need to be able to express the things I feel so deeply.

My hypothesis is true, but only to the degree that I need the contrast. I am all of those things and I am none of them. With them, I am a victim. Without them, I am simply Me. And the Me I am here to experience is a sympathetic, loving, caring, kind, angry, sad, courageous, influential human who has chosen to be a joyful teacher, facilitator, healer and leader using my experiences, intelligences, instincts, intuitiveness, empathic and sensitive skills to the best of my ability in the roles of daughter, sister, wife, mother, facilitator, writer, volunteer and entrepreneur (at least so far). It is not what I think you think about me or even what you think about me. It is about how I feel about myself. I’m tired of hiding and when you get tired enough over something, you do something about it. I am choosing to come out from behind that wall.

I am humbled and honored that you allowed me to share this with you. Thank you for allowing me to conduct this experiment in safety.