It takes patience and kindness. You must be cautious of evoking envy, boasting or pride. You must guard yourself against their attempts to dishonor, make you appear self-seeking, angering you easily or keeping a record of your wrongs. You must stand strong in truth and deny evil. You must protect, trust, hope and persevere on their behalf. You must love without fail. For love is what they were denied. They know not what love is. They know manipulation, control, deprivation, humiliation, a sense of worthlessness and they believe these to be acts of love. They may even defend and identify with their abusers, a traumatic bonding that is resistant to change.

When their need to be a victim arises, they will do everything they can to have you be their abuser. You will appear to be the enemy to them as you will be actively opposing their belief system simply by offering compassion, trust, honor, respect, praise and esteem (these things will feel wrong to them, because these things are unknown to them). Their lives have been nothing but adversarial, so when they can’t trigger you into assuming the abuser role so that they can remain a victim, they will assume the role of abuser themselves to maintain conflict. They will “gaslight” you (attempting to make you their victim by causing doubt in your own memory, perception or sanity) as they mimic the role model their abuser demonstrated to them.

And through it all, the ONLY thing the destroys the division and brings wholeness is love. It takes time and compassion, but love will prevail. You must learn to give love when it is hard to love them. You must learn to be there, but not rescue them. You must be strong and take care of yourself, and have support from others, to avoid being pulled in. You must take this opportunity to heal your wounds so that you can be open for healing to come through you. And it is all worth it. Witnessing the end of an abuse cycle is phenomenal. Allowing yourself to be available for divinity to work through you is an emotional, physical and spiritual sensation that is indescribable.

You see…the work isn’t just for the one that was the abused child, it is the work of the two people that came together in order to bring healing to each other. That is a miracle to be seen. The birth of the Survivor/Thriver and the Healer/Coach.

Our dear friend wrote this poem and we think it is spot on in describing abuse from the abused child’s perception:

The Abused Child
by Bill Diesing

Walk through the mirror
Turn back around
Close out the world
Lock out the sound

Observe all the action
Pretend you don’t care
Laugh when expected
You’re not really there

Keep a safe distance
Give a false shake
It’s not really your hand
It’s just appearance’s sake

Look without seeing
Retreat deep inside
Divert your eyes downward
Pretend you can hide

Acknowledge the questions
Honesty’s your curse
Inability to process
Keeps answers terse

Move with the music
Set a balanced pace
Rock and rhythm
Are God’s certain grace

Press on that smile
Don’t let it waver
Know you are loved
By the one and only Savior

No one can enter
No one allowed
Find comfort in silence
Encased in this cloud

Touch with your finger
Open the gate
Walk back through
Oh, but wait

Silence is golden
Love is the key
Laughter is torment
They’re laughing at me

Know who won’t hurt you
Know what’s to come
Surprises are poison
Where do you run?

Trust can be broken
With simply a word
Hurry back to safety
It all seems absurd

The mirror is shattered
No time to repair
Stand back in horror
Cringe with despair

Why do you hurt me?
What have I done?
Damaged a friendship
That’s barely begun?

Can you please mend it?
Can you do it with speed?
I haven’t the ability
Can’t you see my need?

Are you my brother?
Are you my friend?
Why do you deceive me?
Make my happiness end

I know you are staring
I retreat further inside
My eyes are now hollow
My barren soul I can’t hide

Oh, it’s so painful
I can’t stand the sun
Listening to laughter
Listening to fun

Why all the torment?
How have I sinned?
Can anyone hear me?
With this weight I am pinned

Friend or foe
I really need to know
Before healing begins
And further I go

Toss off the shackles
Toss off the noose
Walk like a human
Disavow the abuse

Laughter is medicine
Yet it can kill
Swallowed with insult
It’s a poisonous pill

Who can you trust?
Put your heart on your sleeve
Many may enter
Most will just leave

What is the difference?
Who really cares?
Push all intimacy away
If anyone dares

Find their eyes
The ones you adore
Open your heart
Let them through the door

Search for an answer
Search for the love
Trust not a soul
Unless sent from above

God is my keeper
God knows my sins
Many may conquer
But only God wins

Leave me my silence
Leave me my bliss
You truly can’t desire
To know misery like this

Stay if you want to
No promises made
Run is your option
All bets are paid

Nothing can change you
Behavior patterns are laid
Enjoy your freedom
Run from this spade

This depression will bury you
Smother you first
Dig a great pit
And cover you with earth

Walk back through the mirror
It’s where you feel safe
Observe without speaking
This strange human race

You’re where you find comfort
Take a deep breath
Life is so long
When it feels just like death

Photo: “Love” by Oscar E. is licensed under CC BY 2.0