It is Not ALL About You. I think this one was a big aha moment for both Dan and I when I said it. So often we use all, always, never when talking about something and rarely do these adverbs apply especially when discussing behaviors and events. But we like to use them for emphasis. We think our opinion and even our self worth is somehow more valid if it is all, always or never. It appears to strengthen us.
It doesn’t.
Actually this weakens us because it introduces conflict. It simply isn’t truth and although Dan might not put the toilet seat down each and every time, he doesn’t always forget. If I say he always forgets, he knows that is false and therefore my case is weakened because I introduced false evidence… at least from his perspective. 😉
Dan is actually pretty consistent about putting the toilet seat down and he is also pretty consistent about thinking every bump in the road of our marriage is all his fault. This translates into him immediately taking the blame for anything uncomfortable and begging me to move on. I get it. He was an abused child and taking the blame and moving on was a good strategy for avoiding physical abuse. I am not his abuser. He struggles with that every day because I refuse to let him take the blame and make it all about him.
It is not all about him. I am part of this relationship too. I may or may not be the cause of a particular event but I am part of this and therefore have to take 100% responsibility as well. The responsibility isn’t to be divided up or hogged up by the victim. Nothing is resolved until and unless we each come to the situation whole, 100%.
It is Not all about You.
Always, there is shared responsibility in relationships.
I invite you to experiment with listening to when you use these words and if they are true. If not, why did you decide to use them? Did you think you had to in order to be heard or taken seriously? It is really fascinating to question yourself on why you do the things you do, say the things you say or feel the way you feel. Well, I find it fascinating.
