This has been something that I am getting pretty good at doing. Emotions are all about movement. Stirring, moving, agitation and strong feeling are all used in the etymology of the word emotion. So why the hell do we try to suppress, control, manage and avoid them?
Stop doing that!
Learn about them. I recently wrote about the so called “negative” emotions and the many gifts they bring with them. The “positive” emotions work the same way. They bring gifts too. Expansion, communion, inspiration, enjoyment, satisfaction, confidence, renewal, hope, delight, wonder, playfulness, invigoration…just to name a few.
And just like the negative emotions, positive emotions need to flow. Holding onto any emotion will cause a blockage. Remember, emotions are about movement. The better we get at noticing them, experiencing them and then letting them go, the better we get at riding the wave instead of bouncing from highs and lows.
Lately, Dan and I have been in a more positive emotional state in our relationship. Given all that we have experienced (lots of negative shit!) I was holding onto this positive wave pretty tightly.
Should have seen it coming…
I was in the office working on some tax stuff. I noticed Dan’s portable phone was off the charger so I went to put it back for him so it wouldn’t be dead when he went to use it, just being a thoughtful wife. Well I bumped his laptop and in my face was something that he had promised he was not doing. I was saddened because things had been going so well (I am so tired of sadness showing up all the time that I ignored that one immediately) and I was shocked to learn he had lied (again). Then I was angry. I wanted to stuff down the anger but I have done enough work to know that wasn’t the answer and anger doesn’t terrify me like sadness does. I can take anger head on and it takes a tremendous amount of energy to get past the normal, conditioned response. I stood my ground and braced myself for the wave of anger coming at me. I thought I was going to drown! And in the moment that the wave was strongest and most dangerous, I doubted my ability to get through it, lost my grounding and slipped into conditioned anger and right there, I made a decision. A sucky, sucky decision. I wanted revenge. I got up from being knocked on my ass by that first wave spitting mad, armed with my decision and set about making it happen and I almost succeeded. I locked into the anger and I didn’t let it flow. I made a decision from an inappropriate place. Decisions made in anger will only produce more anger.
So I didn’t avoid it, I didn’t stuff it down (control or suppress it) but I was hell bent on managing this sucker. Thankfully, I happened to be attending an event about identifying and releasing stories held in our bodies. Before I could execute my revenge, I remembered myself through the work I was doing. Grateful and pissed at the same time, mostly grateful.
The anger came up again because I hadn’t gone through it, I had simply tried to manage it, and here I was in the middle of a loving and caring environment and with some of the most beautiful people on the planet. I didn’t want revenge. That is not who I am. The anger wanted revenge and I almost listened to the damn thing. I let it take control instead of me taking control. I forgot about the gifts of anger and just went for the feeling.
By going through the anger (surrounded by love) I was able to set up proper boundaries and return to a healthy state of self esteem. Once I was there, I had the courage to allow myself to face and pass through the original emotion that came up which was sadness (the one that terrifies me). By doing this I was able to use the gifts of sadness and release my hold on wanting things to remain the way they were (positive). The joy we had been experiencing wasn’t meant to stay permanently. Joy is a moment. A beautiful one and one that will return again and again but it is a moment. It is meant to flow just like all the emotions. I wasn’t allowing it to flow. Holding it denied me access to the other emotions which all have wonderful and unique gifts in themselves. Anger helped me face sadness. It gave me courage and stamina. Joy doesn’t have that gift. My work lies in acknowledging, allowing, providing healing and releasing sadness.
I have been drained. There was a lot of sadness stored up inside of me to be released. I have felt raw and the thing is, I consider this a good thing. It was sloppy, messy and almost disastrous to me and our relationship but I allowed myself to ride the wave(s). I know I will be able to handle it better next time (yep, I know there will be a next time!) and I am grateful for this one. I am grateful for the expansion, the invigoration, the playfulness, the confidence, the renewal and the hope.
