When Helping Isn’t Helpful
I have often struggled with even being able to ask for help. I used to think that it was a flaw in me. Something I needed to work on and get better at doing. I don’t think that way anymore. Too often when we ask for help from someone, support, assistance and guidance are not typically what we receive. Instead we are usually handed something that worsens, obstructs or even hinders us creating a situation When Helping Isn’t Helpful.
Why is that?
I think it is due to the fact that we feel very important when we are asked to help someone with a task or a problem. We feel honored that they asked us. It makes us feel special, after all they could have asked anyone but they asked us.
Before we know it, it becomes about our satisfaction and pride in helping and we forget all about being helpful to the one that asked. In this state we are less likely to be supportive, cooperative or beneficial to anyone. We begin to respond to our need to do a great job in this role. To be successful at it. Rather quickly, we become so caught up in helping that we lose sight of being helpful.
I think I caught onto this early in my life and since I had no one to help me figure it out, I just stopped asking for help in an effort to avoid someone’s version of helping. I found that it might take me longer to get something done but at least my focus was always on the problem and not on trying to wade through the good opinions, suggestions and needs of the other person as well.
But I believed people when they said I should be asking for help, that by not doing so I was somehow denying myself something (what that something is, I have not a clue). So, occasionally, I would ask for help and often I was disappointed at how unhelpful that help was. The help I got was usually not all that helpful. The helping was more about the other persons beliefs of why I couldn’t do what it was I was attempting to do.
Most of the time when I need help what I really need is someone to hold space for me as I run through possible solutions and/or resolutions. I don’t want people to just tell me everything will be ok or worse, attempting to “fix” it for me.
Guide me but don’t artificially inflate or discourage me.
Mentor me but don’t just tell me to do it your way, my way might be different. Listen to me but don’t be silent. I want to hear what you have to say, just don’t get upset if I do it another way. Remember this is my problem or task, not yours.
Take my asking you to help me seriously. I could have asked anyone but I thought you would be the best one to help me in this situation. You don’t have to prove anything to me. Just be there for me. I promise you I will be forever grateful.
