Having the courage to sing… I loved elementary school. I mean really loved it. And man did it fuck with my mind. Seriously. Fucked with my mind.

Third grade. My teacher was Mrs. Perkins and outside of my family, I thought she was the coolest person that ever walked the earth. Thankfully, she was because there were some other teachers that year that had some serious issues and lacked fundamental skills when it came to interacting with children. Mrs. Perkins was the balance and security I needed that year.

We had just moved and even though it was less than 50 miles from where we lived, that might as well have been the other side of the earth in 1973. Although we would write letters and exchange pictures for a few years, I would never see my two best friends (my world) again. Carla and Leah became memories instead of friends for life. Other things happened too but you get the point. Moving is stressful on everyone, including a soon to be 8 year old.

After a long summer of adjusting to our new home, I walked into my third grade classroom, shy and timid but Mrs. Perkins didn’t care. She welcomed me warmly. During that year she was gentle and patient and kind. She offered guidance, encouragement and confidence even when I couldn’t find those things in myself. Eventually I got up the courage to try-out for the chorus. I was so excited and almost immediately, so devastated.

I have come to know that as far back as 1973, the arts were on the chopping block in schools. The music teacher didn’t even have a room. She wheeled her piano from classroom to classroom when it was time for our 40 minute music class once a week. Since she didn’t have a room, chorus try-outs were held in the stairwell. There was no prepping for this. It was announced that morning that try-outs would be between lunch and recess. I eagerly waited in line outside the stairwell and when it was my turn I sang 4 words and then was abruptly interrupted and told that I should “Never sing another note as long as I live.” That will cause any child to shrink but a shy and timid one will take that to heart and suffer with it for years. I know because that is what I did.

Thank goodness I didn’t tell anyone I was getting in that line, especially Mrs. Perkins. I think she would have been so disappointed in me for not making it into the chorus. It was a secret I thought I could keep forever.

I couldn’t.

Next Steps in Having the Courage to Sing

About 5 years ago when I was frustrated with just about everything in my life, seeking help was nearly impossible. You see I not only never sang again, I spoke as little as possible. That doesn’t mean I didn’t talk but I really didn’t talk about anything that I excited me. If I ever did, devastation was sure to follow. So finding my voice to even ask for help was nearly impossible. Luckily, I was determined and when I discovered the memory of that day in the stairwell, I did something about it. I was gifted with knowing that the piano teacher my children had been taking lessons from was also an accomplished vocalist.

I contacted him (via email as I still didn’t have the courage to speak) and he compassionately invited me to come sing with him. I am sure that it was a painful experience for him at first but over the course of a few months I was able to learn to sing…out loud!

I learned how to sing the song that Dan and I picked for our first dance at our wedding and while on a trip to Belize to work on our relationship and ourselves, I surprised Dan by singing that song to him on our last night there As devastated as I was that day in 1973, it all melted away when Dan smiled at me with tears in his eyes as I bravely sang that song. More importantly, I went beyond those hurtful words and started the journey to finding my voice.

As you can tell, I still prefer to write but I am not terrified of speaking anymore.

One step at a time. One act of courage. One transformation from curse to gift. It all adds up.